I am not feeling well. Not feeling well at all. I don't know if things have changed for the worst. I don't know what to expect. One day I can't sleep of being excited that that day would be really great and we would end up having a really great time. But things happened and made it worse. I really feel bad. I am pissed off at myself, not at you. I am honestly thinking that I am not the best person in the world. I know I am not. You are always on my mind, every second of every minute of everyday. I couldn't sleep knowing that we are on the rough side again. It's not your fault. It's practically and literally mine. I burdened these on myself and you have every right to get angry at me. I try. I did try and I still keep on trying. I want to make it work even though it is hard and is getting harder. I do give an effort to make you happy. I just don't know if it worked. I still am trying to figure out how to show a lot more of my effort to you. It's just that sometimes I feel that you're stepping on me and the efforts I give to make you happy. You deserve to be happy and I am willing to sacrifice myself to make you happy. I guess I don't fill that expectation. I'm a lovesick fool still trying my hardest to make you notice me. Right now, I am not flying high and won't ever go to the moon. I want things to the way it were when we are not always fighting.
It's my fault that I still haven't healed from the flu. I should also say it's over fatigue of playing soccer. But... I love playing soccer. Eventhough I know I am not good at it. I play because I could feel the breeze when I am running, I could breathe and focus on only one thing. There, I could think clearly. I always give it my all because I know you love the sport too and I really want to make you proud and happy. I don't have too many accomplishments, I'm not smart, I'm not a leader. I'm trying to act that I am, but I truly am not. I don't have the guts. I always tend to hesitate at the biggest moments. 4th year, the game-winning goal for Westbridge. The ball barely touched my head infront of the goal. I hesitated to jump and the ball went to me. If I just jumped, we would have won the game. I didn't. It still traumatizes me and makes me realize that I fade off every big moment. Maybe I am just a feeler, feeling that I am Mr. Everything. But I tell you, I will never be Mr. Everything. I'm Mr. Nothing. I am no good. I feel really negative.
But after taking a breather, I realized that I see my flaws and I want to make myself better. I still have one thing left though. I still have my Hope. That things will be better and happier. I know it will be. It's another hurdle to jump over, but we will be happier and a better US.
I'm sorry for the tantrums. So much mixed emotions and uncertainty filled up inside my head and it's beginning to get clearer. :-)
I know you're looking out for me. And I thank you for that. I hope I do look out more for myself. :-)
...cause I, think you're from another world.
and I couldn't love another girl.
'Cause you make me feel like I'm intoxicated (with milk and your love)
0 comments:
Post a Comment